just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize