I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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