The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
