Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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