i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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