I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
