Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
