the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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