I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
