you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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