everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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