Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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