Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
