i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
