I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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