just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
