You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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