I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is wine microwaveable?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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