Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
