my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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