last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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