normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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