I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
