I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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