Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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