Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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