Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
