My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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