Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
