That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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