I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize