Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
