Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
