I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
