I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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