Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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