You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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