I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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