The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
