she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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