I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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