I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Someone shit on the floor
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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