youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
