That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
