I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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