After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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