Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
