i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize