theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
