just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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