Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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