i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
