We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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