M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
