There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
