Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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