I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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