nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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