Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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